When I was in my twenties and had just finished three gruelling years of study at uni, I decided it was time to see a bit of the world – no more late nights spent cramming for exams. I decided to visit my cousin Tom, in Brisbane – a bit of a party animal. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to blow out the cobwebs and have a bit of fun.
When I called to tell him I was coming, Tom refused to let me stay in a hotel. He insisted I stay with them in his own home.
“So what’s your partner’s name? How old is she? Is she hot? How long have you been together? Not a bible-basher is she?” Tom fired the questions at me.
“Whoa! I’m coming alone. I don’t have a partner Tom, I’ve been too wrapped up in study to have time for someone else.” I replied.
“Well if you’re arriving on Monday, I’ll take Tuesday off, take you out and get some good leads. By Wednesday you’ll have a partner.” Tom replied matter of factly.
“Yeah sure! You make it sound so simple. How do you propose to do that? Speed dating Brisbane style?” I had visions of a hall full of six toed, web footed uglies and psychos.
“Leave it to me mate!” he said confidently, “We have our ways up here!”
The following Monday I was picked up from Brisbane airport by Tom and his girlfriend, Suzie. She was hot and assured me that Tom wouldn’t fix me up with any plain Jane, studying to be a nun. He knew how to get “hot leads” and would do exactly as he promised. It was late and after a few drinks, Tom said I’d need to wear a suit for tomorrow.
Tuesday came and Tom appeared in a suit and tie at my door, to take me out to get the “hot leads” he’d promised. Odd because you don’t see people in a suit and tie in the middle of Brisbane’s summer, when it’s often 40 degrees Celcius. Tom and Suzy were very secretive about where we were heading and surprised me by taking me to the local Catholic church. Now Tom is not what I’d call religious and neither was Suzie, so imagine my surprise when he approached the Father and asked for confession!
Ten minutes later he came back with a grin, assuring me he had some leads that were definitely hot and we left. I doubted it until he handed me a Post-It note with three ladies names on it as we headed to the Post Office to get their addresses off the electoral roll. Tuesday evening after three phone calls, I had three dates; a coffee date for lunch on Wednesday, a dinner date on Wednesday and lunch on Thursday and all three ladies sounded great.
I couldn’t believe it had been so easy and pestered Tom and Suzie to tell me how they had done it until finally Tom gave in and told me.
“Well it’s just a matter of intelligence.” Tom said, ” I asked the priest to hear my confession. When I went into the confessional, I said the usual ‘Forgive me father for I have sinned’ then said ‘I have been with a very attractive but immoral woman.’. Of course the priest asked me what her name was but I answered, ‘I cannot say Father for it would defame the poor woman. It would be ungentlemanly of me’. Then I just shut up and waited.”
“It that all?” I asked. “Surely there’s more!”
“Nah! That about all!” Tom assured me. “Of course when he came back with ‘Was it Cheryl Brown?’ All I said was ‘No father’ and wrote down the name. Do that a few times and you have a hot list. It’s simply a matter of intelligence and a priest has the best sort of intelligence.” Tom grinned back at me.